routine

I used to think I needed routine. Then I actually experienced it during this fall semester here at the University of Louisville. Every morning I woke up and had the same breakfast (well, one of two breakfasts - either 10 grain hot cereal with a few scoops of pumpkin puree or one slice of Ezekiel toast, plain, with one coconut milk yogurt, plain, with french press coffee). I went to class. I swam. I worked Friday through Sunday. My spare time was split between studying/reading/researching for class and diverting myself with Netflix. That was my week and I tell you, it was always the same and I was never so happy in my life. Seriously. I had never been so completely content and healthy, mentally or physically. I appreciated it, but didn't realize how much the routine had to do with it until the semester ended and Holiday break hit.

The routine is off.

I spend my off days listlessly cleaning and wandering around my apartment, perhaps changing out of my pajamas, perhaps not. Some days I hang out with some new friends, but I am even convincing myself that perhaps that is destructive to my now apparently fragile psyche. I'm becoming quick to blame everything on anything else, being recklessly blase with my income, increasingly finding myself staring out windows, twiddling with my hair, despondant and at times heartless.

I need my routine back. Passionate teachers, the warm embrace of water in the pool and the honest-to-god ecstasy I feel while swimming - the rhythm of my strokes, the dark echo of the water in my ears; the challenge and quick absorbtion of my classes and materials, the thrill of what's around the corner. I need the stability and structure of the classes - perhaps structure is the word I was looking for instead of routine. God knows that if I didn't have my job then I would have spiralled into a complete trainwreck long ago.

Bad habits are returning. Bad habits and grey thoughts. Listless, uninterested. Stressed, despondent.

**Radiohead, "Climbing Up the Walls"**

My desperate brain is seeking out other forms of structure, reliability and is being sorely dissappointed. At times dissappointing itself.

January 6th classes return, and I'm adding one full time class, for 17 instead of 13 credits next semester. I should be the most blissful person EVER then, right?

Right?