shaking it off

Lately I've been sleeping all night long, no prolonged waking up in the middle of the night for a few hours like the first half of this year. Well last night I woke at 4am, after falling asleep around 1am. I didn't fall back asleep until almost 7am, at which point I was wondering if I shouldn't just be getting up instead of laying there, tossing and turning.

Well I fell asleep.

And the dreams were... unsettling.

I was living in an apartment building. After a while of living there I realized that my ex-boyfriend was living in the same building. This was upsetting because suddenly I was seeing him every day. And he had a child. And he was living with three young women, befitting of his mentality, (he was a completely thoughtless user of young women). So I began to learn to co-exist, and our lives became more and more intertwined. Forced interactions, sharing our homes, always awkward and uncomfortable though.

So our days were going on like this, when one day I was alone at an airport, a very busy one. While there I began to talk to a doctor I knew. I explained some problems (physical) that I'd been having, and he told me, quite frankly, that I just needed to take the pills he was going to give me, and die.

Bummer, I thought, but agreed.

He (or was it a she?) gave me the pills, told me to take them and that I'd be gone in no time. Without delay, while still in the airport, I swallowed the two pills dry and hoped they'd work quickly.

I went back to the doctor and told him/her that I had taken them and asked how long it would take to work and whether it would be uncomfortable (AFTER having taken them). The doc was aghast that I had taken them in a public place like this and warned me to watch myself.

But how can I watch myself when I'm going to die any second now?

Then I began to fret about my high tolerance for medications - what if this didn't work? To pass the time I wandered around the airport terminal looking for a nice, quiet place to die. All these families and people at the airport, none of whom had my problems, all going somewhere or waiting for someone, not knowing that one girl among them was about to die.

I waited an awfully long time with no symptoms, went and asked the doctor, as I was beginning to panic. What if I don't want to die now? What if I just want to try to work with what my problems are? The doctor said too bad, that I had taken the pills and that if they didn't work that he could give me a tincture form of the medication that would pretty much kill me as soon as it touched my lips.

Shuddering I scurried back to my quiet place among the chairs and people to try to write out a will, a note so that my family would know what happened to me.

In the middle of the aisle, while walking back, I suddenly heard a sound like radio feedback, a high, reverberating tone, then I lost all control of my body and fell to the floor on my back. I tried to yell for the doctor but the words wouldn't come out, I was voiceless. I tried to get his attention by waggling my head as my arms and legs were not working, but I had lost control of moving that too. I tried to see where he was, but I then went blind.

Lying in the darkness I prayed for it to just end then, for it to pass and let me be gone. Then I realized I could see the crowds again, and the doctor. My vision was back. Then my head could move. Then I was able to speak, and my arms, legs, and body returned to full function.

The people sitting near me (who had not budged during the entire episode) didn't even look my way as I got up and walked quickly to the doctor to tell him what had happened.

He was nonplussed, told me that apparently I was too resilient to the drugs, and to just wait it out and if he had to, he would kill me when we got back to his office.

I woke up covered in sweat.