ne pas mettre tous ses espoirs dans la même affaire.

I'm trying really hard these days to, "ne pas mettres tous ses espoirs dans la meme affaire..." - put all my eggs in one basket, or as the quote more or less translates to "not put all of one's hopes in the same affairs." Today I found myself ravenously searching for historical and architectural guide books to Syria, with the single-minded focus of someone who has already been awarded a scholarship to study in say, Jordan, for say, 10 months. That news, be it positive or negative, won't come until March at the earliest, so I really need to cool off and ensure I'm setting myself up for success by planning for all contingencies.

But I really really really really really really really really want to win this scholarship (Fulbright). And the Critical Language Studies scholarship. I really really really really really really really really really want to spend a year overseas in the Middle East, immersed, in the Levant. I can't picture what I'll do if I'm not awarded these, or at least one.

My friends and family are going to have to conduct a lot of damage control if that happens - sorry guys. Or I may just ditch my things and go on walk-about. Somewhere. Greenland or Russia maybe. Just disappear for a long time. :)

I'm definitely getting to a point where I really need to stop and go silent for a while - get out of my head, if you will. Go offline, go black, noise and light discipline enacted. Get away from people, hear some silence for a while. Its been a while, almost a year since I did that last. Where should I go?

And there is one more thing - something I want to keep encrypted, and explain mysteriously. One reason for me needing to get out of my head is my frustration at some people's actions, and the effects they have on me. It makes me feel like I'm so easily susceptible to the whims of others - easily convinced, easily moved, then swiftly disappointed by their failure to meet my explicit (yet secret) expectations. This makes me sound like I'm equally at fault as they, and this is likely true. But I can be selfish about it, and blame them. Maybe I need to be more forthcoming and explain, maybe I just need to take things as they come and not over-think things.

Maybe I need to get dressed and brush my teeth and start thinking about going to school.

Hmph.