snow

The only time I was ever not scared to walk outside in the dark growing up was when it was snowing. When the snow came, and was actively falling, there was a peace that made me eager to bundle up and experience.  The rest of the year, I would either avoid walking even to get the newspaper, which was delivered in the evenings, or I would run. Sometimes I'd even put a dog on a leash to go with me, though the mailbox was only 100 feet from the house. The pressure of the unknown, and deep dark threat of the infinite blackness in the forests that surrounded my family's home at night was palpable. That almost tangible, ominous presence of the forest gave me chills, and made the hairs on the back of my neck rise.

I was, essentially, terrified of the dark. Even inside, to this day, I hate the dark. Put me in a city, or in a habitated household and I am fine. But in a home that has only myself, or when outdoors in the deep woods of my childhood home, then the dark has a presence, and makes me feel vulnerable like nothing else does.

It isn't the menace that I want to write about though. Its the peace and hush of when it snows in Amboy. How snow, reflecting the meager light of the Pacific Northwestern winters at night, would create a glow that I would want nothing more than to bask in. Once it would get dark out, I would bundle up to my ears, and take off down the road towards the lake near my parent's home. The fat snowflakes would drift down, almost like a computer screensaver, in hypnotic and mesmerizing weight and rhythm. The evergreens boughs would dip, heavy under the weight of the wet snow. The only sound, aside from the soft squish of my boots in the snow, would be the occasional whooosh as a branch released it's heavy blanket of snow.

I tried walking in the snow at night when it first snowed here in Louisville. I saw the flakes softly falling from my apartment window. I immediately dressed warmly and rushed outside. I made it about one block before realizing the magic wasn't there. Cars whooshed by, instead of snow off evergreens. Sirens. Concrete. Houses. Artificial light. None of these things exist at night, when it snows on Frasier Road, at my parent's house.

At home, the night would be illuminated, glowing softly under the whiteness. The dark woods were not a threat, but a peaceful and beautiful place of solace. Nothing clattered, snapped, chirped, or most importantly - loomed. There would be no threat, my instincts were never challenged, my heart would never race. Silently, independently, freely I would, dare I say, commune with the forest in these moments as I walked for hours at times, through the hushed woods, across monumental fields, and oh so majestically, on the shores of the immense, black lake. I would stand for what felt like eons, staring at how the snowflakes touched and disappeared on the surface of that grand expanse of frigid water. The trees ringing the lake, covered in snow, branches reaching down to kiss the water, only emphasized it's blackness.

I would stare at that lake, so entranced, that I wouldn't have been surprised to see a phantasm jetting across its electrically charged surface, out of its infinitely timeless depths. A goddess could have risen from it, faeries and ghosts could have been drawn to it to commune, during those magical moments, and I would not have been surprised.

Once, I was across a giant field from the lake, and a large earthen berm/dike was between me and the lake. I was moving parallel to the dike, when out of the corner of my eye, through the swirling eddies of snow, I thought I saw something move on the dike. I fixed my eyes on it, and decided it was a large bird, flapping its wings, beckoning me. Was it wounded? Was it looking for me? I immediately cut across the field, a walk of about 15 minutes in the shin-deep snow. I bypassed all trails and roads, to trudge directly to the dike. I climbed the steep berm, which rose about 50 feet up, and once I hit the top, there was nothing. Just the lake.

I think perhaps I just missed catching the show, that only moments before I made it to the top, the dance had been happening on the surface of the water, and on the shores surrounding it.

One of these days I'll make it in time. Until then, I can't be afraid to keep watching out for it at night when it snows in Amboy.

Thanks

Thanks for family.
Thanks for abundance.
Thanks for means.
Thanks for coffee.
Thanks for health care.
Thanks for friends in a still-strange town.
Thanks for reminders of where I've been.
Thanks for options and choices.
Thanks for nephews and nieces.
Thanks for co-workers who make me giddy with glee at times.
Thanks for songs with accordions and upright bass.
Thanks for rain.
Thanks for sun.
Thanks for work.
Thanks for peace.
Thanks for teachers who inspire and challenge.
Thanks for experiences.
Thanks for the ability to reach out, touch, and participate globally.
Thanks for birds that fly world-wide.
Thanks for traditions.
Thanks for beauty.
Thanks.

ne pas mettre tous ses espoirs dans la même affaire.

I'm trying really hard these days to, "ne pas mettres tous ses espoirs dans la meme affaire..." - put all my eggs in one basket, or as the quote more or less translates to "not put all of one's hopes in the same affairs." Today I found myself ravenously searching for historical and architectural guide books to Syria, with the single-minded focus of someone who has already been awarded a scholarship to study in say, Jordan, for say, 10 months. That news, be it positive or negative, won't come until March at the earliest, so I really need to cool off and ensure I'm setting myself up for success by planning for all contingencies.

But I really really really really really really really really want to win this scholarship (Fulbright). And the Critical Language Studies scholarship. I really really really really really really really really really want to spend a year overseas in the Middle East, immersed, in the Levant. I can't picture what I'll do if I'm not awarded these, or at least one.

My friends and family are going to have to conduct a lot of damage control if that happens - sorry guys. Or I may just ditch my things and go on walk-about. Somewhere. Greenland or Russia maybe. Just disappear for a long time. :)

I'm definitely getting to a point where I really need to stop and go silent for a while - get out of my head, if you will. Go offline, go black, noise and light discipline enacted. Get away from people, hear some silence for a while. Its been a while, almost a year since I did that last. Where should I go?

And there is one more thing - something I want to keep encrypted, and explain mysteriously. One reason for me needing to get out of my head is my frustration at some people's actions, and the effects they have on me. It makes me feel like I'm so easily susceptible to the whims of others - easily convinced, easily moved, then swiftly disappointed by their failure to meet my explicit (yet secret) expectations. This makes me sound like I'm equally at fault as they, and this is likely true. But I can be selfish about it, and blame them. Maybe I need to be more forthcoming and explain, maybe I just need to take things as they come and not over-think things.

Maybe I need to get dressed and brush my teeth and start thinking about going to school.

Hmph.

a gift

This was gifted to me today by a new friend by afar. Clearly he is already a valued one, for knowing to gift me such a treasure.

by Billy Collins -

The Country


I wondered about you
when you told me never to leave
a box of wooden, strike-anywhere matches
lying around the house because the mice

might get into them and start a fire.
But your face was absolutely straight
when you twisted the lid down on the round tin
where the matches, you said, are always stowed.

Who could sleep that night?
Who could whisk away the thought
of one unlikely mouse
padding along a cold water pipe

behind the floral wallpaper
gripping a single wooden match
between the needles of his teeth?
Who could not see him rounding the corner,

the blue tip scratching against a rough-hewn beam,
the sudden flare, and the creature
for one bright, shining moment
suddenly thrust ahead of his time-

now a fire-starter, now a torchbearer
in a forgotten ritual, little brown druid
illuminating some ancient night.
Who could fail to notice,

lit up in the blazing insulation
the tiny looks of wonderment on the faces
of his fellow mice, onetime habitants
of what once was your house in the country?

tornado alert

Two piano keys, repeating their notes

The wind will lift, a shoelace will rise
The wind will gust, a scarf will brush my face
The wind will howl, my skirt will flip
The wind will scream, my bag will be torn from my arms

The wind will strip everything from me and leave me
empty

(two piano keys, repeating their song)

The wind will tear out my hear
will devastate my memory,

leave. it. blank.

Two piano keys repeat their melody

My new existence will be
where I've always lived
where I was before

Everything will be the same
But I will be new
The magical world will be
where I walked for miles and
grew weary of
the day before

No old, tired memories
No redundancies
No boredom

Everything is new
Everything sparkles
The world is strange
The world is abrupt
Everything frightens
Everything dazzles
twopianokeysechotheirtrance
Nothing is old but trauma overwhelms

What should have been new
and exciting
terrifies

What was desperately sought
a change
refreshment
terrifies

(two piano keys repeating their tones)

Beauty becomes horrible
Change is brutal
Difference cannot be accepted
The mind swirls
Thoughts pummel
Nothing can adapt
The adult brain screams where the infant brain absorbs
A new world
A new body (two piano keys)
cannot breathe
cannot
survive
this
storm

Two piano keys repeating their tune.

declaration

Today, I will begin holding myself a little more accountable for my well being. That's just something I needed to say.

I won tickets to see David Sedaris speak yesterday at the Kentucky Center - I went with my extremely upbeat friend Natalie, and I must say that it was exactly what I needed. David Sedaris is adorable, clever, hilarious, and all sorts of other endearing adjectives.

I am beginning to experience exhaustion. The worst part is that Monday mornings are my worst days, since I am transitioning from working all weekend, and trying to segue back into the academic routine. It is just awful! Being on the downward slope of the second half of fall semester I am finding myself growing miserable and apathetic at times. Not cool.

How can I perk myself up?

--Go for walks
--Get back into swimming mode (it has been too long!)
--Stick with eating only what sustains and nurtures - simple, whole, plant-based foods.
--Spend five minutes picking up the apartment - seeing clutter and messes only puts my mood in a downward spiral.
--Listen to that which inspires and drives me - Massive Attack, Tiniwaren, Tricky...
--Don't beat myself up for needing to take a morning to myself.
--Disarm that compulsive voice that says, "Its only money! Whatever! Today is today, and is the only day you should worry about!"

... I'm going to stop before this becomes too macabre.

I'm just so tired. And tired of worrying about things.

In Kinder Words

Good things lately -

-Oatmeal or multigrain hot cereal with a touch of Blue Agave nectar and a scoop of canned pumpkin puree

-Good Earth Sweet and Spicy tea

-Brilliantly colored trees, changing tones by the day by the hour

-The satisfaction of learning Arabic - I really love it

-The crisp rustling of dry leaves as you walk or drive through them

-New old music - Ethiopiques, re-downloaded Led Zeppelin and John Lennon

-New t-shirt lines in Whole Body - cheap, comfortable, and gorgeous colors!

-Making contacts, networking, worldwide in the name of MEIS (Middle East and Islamic Studies)

-Naps on the couch in the late afternoon sun, curled up under my favorite ikat throw with Anna Karenin

-Watching people taking their dogs for walks - you can read so much when they are out like that

Fall Break

Today is only day one of Fall break, but it is here regardless. Naturally I have to work. I genuinely thought yesterday that I would be calling in sick today. I had a doctor's appointment, where they informed me I was running a fever. Which made sense being as how I had been feeling weary and grumpy all day. So I went home, and between bouts of nausea, took some time to rest on my couch. Curled up in a blanket with a pot of tea and "Anna Karenin", which I'm finally starting to read, I wound up taking a much needed nap. This morning I feel fine, inchallah, but cautious.

I have no doubt that the culmination of mid-terms this week, with outside stressors of things  like a greatly reduced bank account due to my car's break down and consequent mechanic's visit following a 3-block tow, bills bills everywhere, fighting with the worst dog sitting clients ever, who decided they don't want to pay me the second 2/3s of my payment which was forthcoming after they returned, because the house looked "a little messy". Tell me - how does a pre-existing pigsty look "a little messy"? All this.

All this. All this is the reason for my fever and my jawline acne. (30 Rock quote for the unsophisticated).  The two tests on Monday which I had in French and Arabic went satisfactorily, but I didn't get quite as high of grades as I'd have hoped.  The US and the Middle East (history) test on Wednesday gave me gray hairs and an ulcer, I'm quite sure of it, however I'm pretty sure I rocked that test. The Politics of Oil take home exam, well, I enjoy any opportunity to dazzle an instructor with essay style writing, throwing outside sources, exceptional citing, and numbers at him with classy array. However I don't know if that is what he wants. We'll see!

Skip ahead a few days - this is now the last day of Fall Break. Tuesday. This fall break I was going to:
1) clean my apartment into submission
2) rest
3) do a ton of French review and homework
4) memorize a pile of Arabic vocab
5) accomplish great things in the name of my MEIS job
6) walk in Cherokee Park under the rapidly changing trees
7) enjoy some, as I see it, well deserved respite.

INSTEAD, because one team member got sick, and another got fired, all last week, I worked my entire fall break (I volunteered - this is true, but it was begrudgingly, and I made that clear). No doubt my pocketbook will thank me, and my boss DOES thank me, but my increasingly messy apartment, and my increasingly duressed  state of mind do not. I was really looking forward to those two days off, after working Saturday and Sunday.

Oh well. This is life.

why? and oh well...

So my car broke down yesterday. For the first time in the 7 years that I've owned it! I kept trying to feel stressed and overwhelmed after it happened, but I just kept realizing that I can handle it and it isn't really all that bad.

My first reaction was to consider buying a new car. Then I realized that 1) I don't have the credit for such a purchase and 2) my car isn't THAT broken down. I'm no grease monkey gear head, so I'm not going to go into details about what happened. We WILL say that I feel extraordinarily grateful for where I am in life right now that I was able to handle the situation with such ease.

I was in Germantown, about 2 miles from my apartment, and due to be at work in 30 minutes (about 7 miles from work, and 2 miles from any recognizable bus system that I'm familiar with.) Fortunately I was going to carpool with my good friend Marcy Rae, who lived about 3 minutes from where I found myself. So I was able to just call her and ask her to pick me up at my break-down locale, instead of at my apartment.

That being said, it isn't like this a concern, however I just am refusing to let it get me down. Being as how I had the wonderful pressure to take a Political Science class this semester titled, "The Politics of Oil", I'm suddenly learning the true effects of energy-dependance, and the entitled attitude of Americans in owning cars, and shunning alternative transportation as something for poor people. I'm not saying that's how I feel, I'm just saying that's the general consensus. But I definitely do feel like my freedom and mobility has been hampered, not having my car. So I'm welcoming the challenge of overcoming that feeling, and reclaiming the cheap mobility I had when I was at the University of Washington, and utterly car-less. Guess what? I was able to buy groceries, visit friends and family, and get all over town with no car. I can do it again. And our energy resources (or lack thereof) and the earth will thank me for it. Right?

That being said, I'm totally going to the mechanic, about 2 blocks from the breakdown, to try to get it fixed today, even though I can't really afford to. Hmph.

It is probably more out of concern for my poor car's well being, considering that it is in Germantown as it is anything else.  I'm worried about it!

Fall has finally hit Louisville, and I couldn't be happier.

What's that? What am I reading right now? Oh, I'm glad you asked! I gave up on the slightly too technical writing of Paul Farmer, in his "Infections and Inequalities", and am now reading Tracy Kidder's book ABOUT Paul Farmer, which is much more accesible.            

                                        Mountains Beyond Mountains

If you want to read a book about someone who actually gives a damn about the well being of others, and has dedicated his life to pursuing that concern, then read this book. It will give you a little more faith in humanity. It is easy to read, and Tracy Kidder has a very sympathetic eye and hand.

Ok. I have a French exam today on the passe compose, the imparfait, and the plus-que-parfait, all of which I'm still a little fuzzy on, and all of which I have studiously ignored all weekend. And all Monday morning so far.  Time to get crackin'.

Ketchup

I don't have enough time to write about everything that's been going on, like: dogsitting at the flea-bag hotel (i.e. The Dirtiest House I've Ever Been In), my Fulbright panel interview during which the interviewers were more nervous than I was, school getting so hectic that I forgot what day it was HALFWAY THROUGH THE DAY and missed my second morning class as result, and so on.

Instead - a need to transcribe the weird dream from last night. I dreamed of houses. Huge houses. A house I was to move into that was absolutely enormous. I was moving in with my brother Ed, who was always gone and I literally never saw him. I just settled into this mansion of mansions and kept showing friends around. Even though we were living in this huge place, we claimed small areas and took them as our own and never left them. Huge spaces in the mansion were a mystery to us because we would sequester ourselves in our small, familiar rooms.

It then devolved into a stress-school dream in which I was in class with Virginia, who I have a few classes with this semester, who now was my arch-nemesis. Prof McCarthy, who is teaching a class we are both in this semester, was teaching, and was always extremely vague. He spoke in broad, sweeping tones to the enormous class, and really said nothing. Everything we discussed was of an ephemeral format, which would morph and change and twist. His tests were impossible - they looked easy but I got a 40 out of 90 on one. He would trick us also, he would tell us something, then people would leave because they were frustrated and thought class was over, and he would then divulge further information which completely changed everything. Part of the anxiety was not knowing if I should tell my peers who had left class already, or if I should keep it to myself and blame them for leaving too early.

We then morphed back into the big house, where many people were now. And we were part of a bizarre, real-life video game that we experienced, in the house. We could get hurt, and even die, as we chased robots and strange creatures around the ever-expanding mansion. Rooms literally appeared before our eyes as we twisted and turned, chasing the impossible villains. Occasionally we could be paused by an outside power, who would enlighten us to tricks and means to capturing the creatures. The solutions would appear impossibly intricate and involved, and we would fret and desperately try to memorize the techniques before being unexpectedly thrust back into the game.

Weird, eh?

books

As of this morning, I've sold 38 books on amazon.com. Not bad, right? That's more than one book-box when moving! Not that I have any immediate plans to move though... It just feels good to have room in my bookshelf. And a little extra cash coming in here and there. I'm not ordering nearly as many books these days, self-control is kicking in and I'm using the, hush, drum-roll please, pause for dramatic effect,... LIBRARY. Checking out books not just for school, but to, gasp, READ. This is so weird. Who does that anymore?

I recently finished two books: So Many Enemies, So Little Time, a book which held enormous promise for me because it is the autobiographical tale of a female Fulbright winner who goes to teach in Kyrgyzstan in late August of 2001, for ten months. Unfortunately by the end I thought she was a nosy, arrogant, and annoying traveller with too much money to spare. On the other hand, she revealed quite interesting views into Central Asia, Afghanistan, Iran and Iraq in late 2001, and early 2002, as she travelled to all those countries during her tenure.

I also finished Shadow of the Pomegranate Tree, an extremely polemical and one-sided (Muslim) account of the ultimate fall of Granada and expulsion of Muslims from Spain in the late 1400s. It was nice at times, but I mostly found it tedious and difficult to pick back up again. Good for me for finishing it!

Now I'm starting Infections and Inequalities: The Modern Plagues  by Paul Farmer, a renowned author and scholar/physician in medicine and health inequalities, as well as human rights. It basically deals with the role of anthropology in confronting poverty and disease, and comes highly recommended. Lets hope!

That is all.

My new flame. I will own them before fall comes. I must. I must. I won't be happy without them. 

Even as I post that image of my current obsession, I still come back to the need for simplicity. Around once a week I find myself rummaging through drawers and shuffling through closets, flinging unused "things" into plastic yard bags for Goodwill or friends. But it is a cyclic bitch because as I'm throwing things away, I'm also on the internet at amazon/anthropologie/luckybrand/abercrombieandfitch/zappos to name just a FEW, desperately seeking out that which I NEED. NEEEEEED. 

I am applying for a scholarship that will pay for me to live in Jordan for one year, starting in one year. Hence my desire to rid myself of excess that I just don't want to pack. Excess that merely collects dust, takes up space, monopolizes on valuable coat hanger usage, etc. So why do I continue to buy stuff? Well I NEED new boots. Right? I don't own any good black ones. All my black ones (besides the UGGs) are from when I couldn't afford NICE boots. Now I want a pair of NICE black boots to go with my grey Fryes, my tan Fryes, my brown Fryes, my black Frye booties, my black Italian crazy-heeled boots, my two pairs of Hunter galoshes, my three pairs of UGGs, (do you see where I'm going with this?). 

The books for school don't count. I don't get rid of books from school that could prove to be valuable to myself as a scholar and student in the future. I'm even reading a book from the LIBRARY right now for PLEASURE! Don't that beat all? 

I know I need to be smarter with my moolah, pay off bills, but its just so BORING. I will make a few desultory payments in their direction, then focus my real attention on my obsessions. Clothes books scarves boots heels shoes shoes shoes. Mamma mia, if only my therapist thought this was worth discussing!

besos

Cold Light

I woke up freezing cold this morning - the A/C in my bedroom was running at low, out of habit, however I think I would have been perfectly comfortable all night with it turned off.

Fall is arriving.

It is about time.

Last night I found myself driving home from a shopping trip to Whole Foods, swerving like a madwoman around the freeway, creeping out of stoplights at a ridiculous pace, no doubt frustrating and terrifying other drivers on the road. Why? Grapes.

Keep in mind friends, these were no ordinary grapes. These were the sort of grapes that CAUSE such erratic driving. Having had a VERY long day at school with classes, meetings, appointments, and such, I was famished. After a blitz, and mildly regrettable shopping trip at Whole Foods for some well needed provisions, the only snacks I could find for the ride home (I was REALLY hungry guys), were some Concord grapes I had bought.

I don't like grapes. I don't like the modern day "grapes" you find in your average grocery store anyways - modified over years to withstand travelling long distances, they no longer taste like what we associate grape flavored things with. Purple popsicles? Where did that flavor come from? It sure doesn't taste like any of the seedless monstrosities in my grocery's produce department.

Well these Concord grapes are different. I bought them because they had all the characteristics of a proper grape - they were packaged in a plastic clamshell, which told me that they couldn't handle being jostled around and smashed. The grapes were deep, rich purple tightly clustered spheres. Beautiful. I couldn't wait to dig in.

I got in my car, and took the first bite. Heaven. The skin pops when you bite into the grape, then the skin slides gently off the silky interior (isn't this sexy?). The flavor - a slightly musky but intensly... PURPLE flavor explosion. Sweet and wonderful, the epitome of what a proper grape should taste like.

Because they were so perfectly ready for eating, and not engineered for travel and hardiness, they kept falling off the stems. Insert me, swerving all over the freeway, terrorizing the good people of this state. Let no grape fall under my carseats, these are too valuable to let get away!

Ridiculous. I can't handle driving and talking on the phone, now I can't handle driving and eating grapes.

Grateful

I woke up with this phrase in my head:

"We are grateful for the time we have been given."

I couldn't remember what movie it was from, and after some quick google time I realized it was from the Village. I don't know why it is in my head, but I'm kind of glad it is - taken out of context, it is a really nice phrase to live by.

School starts today. I'm feeling oddly cavalier about this semester - I need to get my anxiety up a bit and start freaking out a little so that I can get my edge on. I am taking two language classes simultaneously for the first time ever - French 320 and Arabic 122. This may hurt a little. I am also taking a history course - US and the Middle East, and a political science - the Politics of Oil. I've never taken ANY of these departments before at U of L. I feel like I'm about to dive into the swimming pool head first without knowing how deep it is.

Let's pray for at least 17 feet, ok?

Because right now work is great, home is great, family is great, I need this other major slice of the pie wheel of my life to be great.

Last year of undergraduate - commence, NOW!

Toast

This is a toast.

A toast to waking up every morning.
... to the smell of rain in the air.
... to lazy evenings with friends, giggling over drinks while reclining on couches.
... to internet that works when we need it to, and doesn't work when we need it to.
... to a perfectly brewed pot of coffee.
... to new running shoes, or perfectly worn and broken-in pairs.
... to a quiet, peaceful apartment.
... to a house full of stomping and sleepy-eyed nephews, playing with trains.
... to the ability to recognize what needs to be changed, and to act on that recognition.
... to the time to write and ponder.
... to new computers and old books.
... to the freedom to sulk and feel pity for oneself every now and then.
... to the discipline to tell oneself to suck it up and get on with life.
... to late afternoons naps on the couch.
... to French Bulldogs, Great Danes, Golden Labs, Pit Bulls, and every breed in-between.
... to cats that hurl themselves like cannonballs against closed doors - rebel! Resist!
... to late birthday cards in the mail.
... to wanderers and the insatiably curious.
... to the smell of delicate insensce in the air, floating over air conditioned breezes.
... to new restaurants.
... to new walking paths.
... to the young, the old, and the unique.
... to new impulses and old habits.
... to the neurotic, impulsive, obsessive, and passionate.
... to the seekers of truth.
... to integrity.
... to simplicity.
... to knowledge.
... to life.

... to teachers who's voices remain after years of silence. *Riley.

Cookin'

So aside from the three watermelons I consumed during my stay in VA (seriously - they were grown by a neighbor within half a mile of the house I was staying at and cost only $3 ea!), there was some actual cooking of note. So I'm posting these recipes in honor of Amee Jo, my beloved sis-in-law.


Chinese Chicken Salad
Ina Garten 

Ingredients

• 4 split chicken breasts (bone-in, skin-on)
• Good olive oil
• Kosher salt
• Freshly ground black pepper
• 1/2 pound asparagus, ends removed, and cut in thirds diagonally
• 1 red bell pepper, cored and seeded
• 2 scallions (white and green parts), sliced diagonally
• 1 tablespoon white sesame seeds, toasted

For the dressing:

• 1/2 cup vegetable oil
• 1/4 cup good apple cider vinegar
• 3 tablespoons soy sauce
• 1 1/2 tablespoons dark sesame oil
• 1/2 tablespoon honey
• 1 clove garlic, minced
• 1/2 teaspoon peeled, grated fresh ginger
• 1/2 tablespoon sesame seeds, toasted
• 1/4 cup smooth peanut butter
• 2 teaspoons kosher salt
• 1/2 teaspoon freshly ground black pepper

Directions

Preheat the oven to 350 degrees F.

Place the chicken breasts on a sheet pan and rub with the skin with olive oil. Sprinkle liberally with salt and pepper. Roast for 35 to 40 minutes, until the chicken is just cooked. Set aside until cool enough to handle. Remove the meat from the bones, discard the skin, and shred the chicken in large bite-sized pieces.

Blanch the asparagus in a pot of boiling salted water for 3 to 5 minutes until crisp-tender. Plunge into ice water to stop the cooking. Drain. Cut the peppers in strips about the size of the asparagus pieces. Combine the cut chicken, asparagus, and peppers in a large bowl.

Whisk together all of the ingredients for the dressing and pour over the chicken and vegetables. Add the scallions and sesame seeds and season to taste. Serve cold or at room temperature.

Seriously - just follow the directions to a T, watch your salt, and this will be DELICIOUS. Store the vegetables, meat, and sauce all separately and this will keep nicely in the fridge for quick lunches.

Zesty Lime Salmon Burgers

I just winged these, having made a billion of them at my work.

To feed two comfortably -

1lb of fresh salmon, skin removed (just ask the fishmonger to do that for you)

breadcrumbs

1/4 of a large red onion, chopped finely

zest of two limes

juice of one lime

red pepper flakes - to taste

cayenne pepper - to taste

cilantro - 1/3 cup minced (1/3 of a bunch)

Chop the salmon into a texture just a little rougher than hamburger meat. Chunks are fine, the breadcrumb will keep it all together. 

In a large bowl combine the salmon meat, approximately 2 handfuls of breadcrumbs, and the remaining ingredients. Mix until it can be formed into patties - adding more breadcrumbs if necessary. 

To "test drive" your burger meat, form a tiny patty, small meatball sized, and cook it quickly on the stove top in a small fry pan. This will allow you to taste the mixture before committing to the entire bowl. Adjust seasonings accordingly.

Cook on the grill or stovetop at medium-medium high heat for approximately 10 minutes per inch. 

Note: it is best not to make these burgers too far in advance of cooking them as the lime juice will cause the meat to become mushy, or worse - will cook the meat in its own acidity into ceviche. 

More to come!

Wow

So I'm almost finished with Skinny Legs and All, and will be moving on to Suite Francaise next. I tried reading Nemorovsky's book years ago but didn't have the attention span for it. Hopefully this try will be more successful.

I am still in Virginia for the rest of this week. I have been glad to be here, very glad to be able to help out and spend time with family. Plus I had about the BEST birthday ever. Granted, in the morning I didn't feel well, and spent most of the day just hanging out with my nephews and taking care of them, but the evening. Oh the evening. My sister-in-law got home, rushed about getting my birthday "fixings" ready.

While I was Skyping with my brother Andrew, the father of the household I'm at right now who is in training in Florida (learning to fly F-22 Raptors mutha fu#$as!!) Amee came in with the boys and my birthday cake. We sang and blew out candles and ate cake, then Amee gave me my present. With my earnings from babysitting, they contributed enough to buy me a Macbook!! So really I paid for a significant chunk of it, but damn. So amazing. This is my first new computer in... 8 years? And also my first Mac. So I'm a little smitten right now.

Oh the accessories she needs. She needs a case to keep her shiny and scratch-free - aubergine preferably. She needs a stand, wireless keyboard and wireless mouse for working at home. Wireless speakers, what else? She definitely needs an iPhone sister to go with her. Once my Verizon contract is up, then it is DEUCES to my Blackberry semi-illiterate phone and on to more Apple technology for my home. Sigh.

I've got the best family ever.

I also have a new avatar. This little lady will accompany me whenever video or camera use is happening with my computer's fancy new technology. Best birthday card ever to go with my present.

Glutton for Punishment?

My dreams have been sparklingly surreal this past week. I don't know what change has occurred to cause them, but I kind of enjoy them. I look forward to falling asleep, in anticipation of the weird journey I'm about to embark on.  Huh. I don't remember them clearly enough to go into any detail about them... they are borderline combo high-elevation/malaria medication weird though.

I'm almost registered for fall semester, which begins at the end of August. My lineup?

the Politics of Oil - Political Science, 300 level
US and the Middle East - History, 300 level
French Skills Overview - French, 300 level
Arabic - 122

Two language courses? What am I thinking? I am going to be forced into a highly disciplined semester, where I don't go home until all studying has been completed in my office or at the library. There will be no Whole Foods working except for on the weekends. Can she do it? Yes she can.

Then there are the first two classes, the PolySci and the History, both of which are on topics that are highly distasteful to me, but which are both quite important topics. Trust me, I'm only taking them because I have to, in order to complete a Middle East and Islamic Studies minor. I'd much rather be focusing on the cultural aspects of Islam and the Middle East, instead of the political. Alas. Forced expansion.

read, think, do

Reading of late:
The Caliph's House, Tahir Shah. Finished - loved it. GREAT look at modern Morocco from an outsider's perspective.

The Sheltering Sky, Paul Bowles. LOVE him, really enjoying this so far. Yet another book about Morocco, and foreigners trying to make it there, (more or less).

Shadows of the Pomegranate Tree, Tariq Ali. Trying trying trying to finish this, but it is like pulling teeth. I just can't get into this look on the fall of Granada.

Thinking of late:
That I'm extraordinarily stir crazy, and in need of some change. Work is extraordinarily dissatisfying. I have about a month until classes start at U of L. I know that will introduce some welcome change, but shit, I could sure use some now!

Watching of late:
24. What else is there?

???

What am I doing?

I've been feeling discontent with my lot these days. Maybe it is post-travels let down, maybe I've been watching too many episodes of "24" back-to-back, but malcontent has been my status of late. My constant thought? "I need my life to have a dose of adrenaline mixed in, at all times."

So I just contacted the USMCR (United States Marine Corps Reserve), requesting an application for a 2 week job opening they have in Quantico this next year. Literally it would only be for 2 weeks, but I wonder... how would it feel, putting on the uniform again?

Actually, I get chills thinking about it. I think I miss it.

I know I miss it. Two weeks wouldn't be bad, it would be a nice little taste. I'd know if I missed it or not.

Don't get all excited all you alls, I've only requested an application. I haven't even filled it out.

Yet.

back?

Today is the first day since my last post that I've been able to 1) update/write a new blog and 2) even SEE my old posts. All my old posts were blank (to me) and I couldn't even type in the content section of the new post pages. WTF? I don't care, as long as I'm back.

So ... I don't know what day it is, but I've been vegan now for at least a week. Fabulous. What's been delicious?

Lara Bars, Peanut Butter Cookie. I actually need to stop eating those. I enjoy them too much (meaning I eat too many of them in one day!)

My JUICER. Beets, carrots, apples, lemon, ginger, greens, cucumbers, all make for refreshing and delightful pick me ups.

Whole Food's Bakery's Organic Sprouted Grain Bread with Raisins. I could eat an entire loaf of this crusty, grainy, chewy, delightful manna in one sitting.

Sugar Baby watermelons. Need I say more?

Good Earth Sweet and Spicy tea. Totally nips sugar cravings in the bud (along with a bowl of chilled watermelon chunks!)

I haven't lost all that much weight, I know I need to take it to the next level and increase my exercising to begin really losing pounds. All in good time.  I'm just enjoying feeling clean and healthy these days.

day 3

Holding strong and feeling great! My body is definitely showing signs of going through "nasty shit" withdrawals. The most promising, and gratifying, was me sleeping well last night, and not sleeping in until 10-11am. No matter what time I go to bed, I always seems to be groggy and miserable no matter how late I sleep, and that keeps me in bed until 11am or so most mornings. Then I am grumpy and pissy because most of my morning is gone, and if I have to be at work or somewhere, that means I probably don't have as much time as I'd like to just sit around and sip coffee while perusing the news on the interwebs.

This morning I woke up at 8:30 and was tired, but knew I'd not fall back asleep. I laid in bed another half and hour, then got up. Beautiful! It's hard to explain why I suspect my diet was making me sleep so miserably, but that's my story and I'm sticking to it.

What's going to keep me sane and going these next 25 days?

Bam. This delightful treat. Their peanut butter and jelly flavor is soul satisfying as well. All their flavors are great, but this... this... this is like eating a peanut butter cookie. Without the gut-gnawing regret afterwards. This is a meal (breakfast), snack, and dessert, all in one. 210 calories, yes. So really, a meal. I love them.

I definitely need to keep posting daily about my progress to keep my spirits high and my motivation burning. So look forward to this!

places to go

Eminently:
Jordan
Israel
Lebanon
Syria (*if I'm ninja enough)

Sooner than later:
India
England
Scotland
Ireland
Germany
France
Italy

Eventually:
Greenland
Iceland
Russia
China (western)
Vietnam
South Africa
Kenya

So much to see. So little time.

New Slang

Re: the title of this post - the song (by the Shins) is in my head.

So I made it all day, 100% vegan. Limited oil, and fat, no sweets, no sugar, no "white" food- white bread, white rice, etc.  For breakfast I had a big bowl of cut up watermelon, and some coffee, followed by some juice from my juicer. Juiced: apple, lemon, ginger, carrot, cabbage. For lunch/dinner at work I had a big salad of mixed greens, raw kale, red cabbage, carrots, and walnuts, with a small drizzle of balsamic vinaigrette and a whole wheat roll.  Oh, I cheated and had an energy drink, but it was organic and all that.

For dinner/snack after work I made another juice and had another bowl of watermelon. The was: kale, collards, apple, carrot, lemon, ginger, and spinach. I like to take a handful of the fiber ejected from the juicer and throw it back in my juice, so that I'm getting some of those added benefits. I also had a Peanut Butter Cookie flavored Lara Bar - a raw, vegan style energy bar that is just wonderful.

My skin feels tingly as all the toxins and yuck get forced out of my body. My stomach is confused, but happily. When I do eat, I EAT and feel nourished, not just satisfied temporarily. I get HUNGRY, because I'm so limited on what I'll eat, and I can feel the results of eating immediately. I'm satisfied, energized, and grateful.

I'm getting a nice little headache that I recognize from fasts. That nice headache that results from toxin removal from the body.

Its easy for us to read about vegetable based diets and think, "Oh I do that, easy." But the truth is that the majority of us, our diets are still dominated by processed foods. By foods with so many ingredients we don't even bother to read the entire list because we don't know what 93% of the list reads. This isn't food! This is chemistry and mad science, packed up with a trendy or fancy looking title, and sold to us at atrocious prices. We need to get back to eating food. Like Michael Pollan says, "Eat food. Not too much. Mostly vegetables."

Where are the vegetables? Where's the water, the grains, the goodness? Our bodies and brains are so saturated with chemicals and preservatives that when we fill ourselves with these disgusting products, we automatically crave more, instead of feeling satisfied. This blows.

Something's gotta give.

I passed a minivan today on the way home from work. At a red light I pulled up alongside it and looked in. The minivan was riding low on its hubs, like the van was full of bricks, or bearing a heavy load. I realized why when I saw the front seat passenger - a woman with upper arms the diameter of my hefty thighs. Resting on her massive expanse of a stomach/bosom were two Chick-Fil-A bags, the contents of which she was mechanically lifting to her greasy jaws. In the back of the van were three individuals, each of similar or potential girth to the woman in the passenger seat, each repeating her actions, shoveling deep fried chicken sandwiches, slathered with mayonnaise and sauces, french fries and sugary sodas down their gullets. On the back of the mini-van? An electric wheelchair, no doubt for the morbidly obese woman in front.

I know, she could have other problems causing the weight. But she could be making all sorts of better choices than what she was.

I took a deep breath and a swig of water from the 1.5liter bottle on my passenger seat, cranked up the radio and drove home.

the Dancer - how much do I love this song? *This much* PJ Harvey, you just know.  Play it alongside with Long Snake Moan from the same album and you've nearly attained musical bliss in my ears.

I'm going to attempt a raw food (fruits and veggies, occasional nuts) diet for the next 7 days. I've been feeling overwhelmed easily, and quickly frustrated. I know that this seems like an odd solution to this issue, but trust me. I'm not telling you everything!

So far, I'm two hours into it.  A bowl of cut watermelon for breakfast along with a big glass of freshly made juice of cabbage, carrot, apple, lemon and ginger. My juicer will be getting a workout this next week. Its about time it earned it's pay. Now I know that juiced cabbage sounds gross, but anything juiced from the cabbage family, and the greens family, is intensely good for you. This is why I include the apples, carrots and lemon. To make it taste prettier.

Oh and I'm not giving up coffee. I won't drink so many energy drinks during the day, but by god I'm not giving up coffee and tea.

In the meantime, I'm working on my Fulbright application for Jordan next year. The staff at U of L who I work with are all quite excited about my prospects for this program. I'm applying for an English Teaching Assistantship which will assign me to a school of Jordan's choice in their country, where I will work with students and staff to teach them English in exchange for my living allowance. I would live in Jordan for 10 months, and would be able to work on my own research on my off hours (the ETAship would only take up about 20 hours a week for me) while also working on improving my Arabic.

Hells yes. So I'm working on that heinous application.

In addition to studying for the GRE, which I don't know when I'll take.

In addition to working for U of L (again), this time as the assistant to the director of the Middle East and Islamic Studies program. Which is gratifying, if not a little baffling and bureaucratic.

Off to work. (at Whole Foods.)

a new addiction

While I was attending the Basic School in Quantico, one of my platoon mates who I thought quite highly of, formed a dangerous obsession with 24, constantly referring to Jack Bauer whenever we found our training dealing with extreme situations.

I started watching 24 last night on Netflix, with their "watch it now!" service on my laptop.

Holy Hell. This is going to be a problem.

I need to get through all ... eight (?) seasons before school starts, because I am hooked. Line and sinker.

On top of that I started watching True Blood, which is amusing, but not nearly as habit forming for me.

Honors Thesis? Fulbright application? GRE study plan? What? I don't know what you're talking about.

Leave the apartment to exert my body, get the blood pumping? I don't know how to do that. Be quiet, Jack Bauer is about to do something bad ass.

a long series of questions?

But why? Why have I been experiencing frequent headaches, when I usually NEVER get them? Why do I keep catching myself clenching my teeth, grinding them along to songs in my head, to books I'm reading, to nothing but the irritation in itself?

If I had anti-anxiety meds, I'd be popping them right now. The best part is that I don't really know why I need them, just that I need them. Hmph. Anxiety begets itself? Don't know.

I put 64 books on sale at Amazon's Marketplace yesterday. That place runs quite the racket - I can't believe how much they charge the seller! It makes sense though - they get a LOT of traffic, and gotta make a buck one way or another, right?  Well I've sold five books already, so there's your answer. A little bit of extra cash in my pocket is better than a bookcase full of old books that I've either NEVER read, TRIED reading but hated, or read and will never read again. Do I want to drag these things around with me for all eternity, dead weight while I continue to relocate and travel? Do I need an old, yet still pristine copy of Don DeLillo's Cosmopolis, when I didn't like it all that much in the first place? Do I want to hold onto that copy of Alexander the Great and the Logistics of the Macedonian Army , which I purchased in a fit of enthusiasm after being assigned the military occupational specialty of 0402, Logistics Officer, but never, ever got past page six of? (poor sentence structure aside, I still had the bookmark on page six to prove it!)

Point proven I hope...

And on that topic, in the past week I've been experiencing a purging wave. I have torn through closets and chests of drawers, filling a huge garbage bag with old clothes. I have inundated Amazon's Marketplace with spoils from my bookcases and closets... But why? All this since I returned from Morocco. Is this my kneejerk reaction to living a slightly more austere life, after living from a suitcase? From living in a country where many make use of more from less? Did I see my jam packed shelves and closets as a sign of gluttony? Was I ashamed of it? Or, and I vote for this theory, did I come home and see these shelves and closets, full to the brim with useless stuff, as dead weight? Did I feel weighted down, mired by my possessions which, by and large, do me no good? (J. Crew chinos, with broken zipper, from five years ago) (brick red Anthropologie trousers, never worn, from 4 years ago) (5 American Apparel long sleeve t-shirts that just. don't. work), etc.

Am I getting carried away? Taking over-excessive delight in seeing shelf space open up, drawers close properly for the first time ever, room to properly store and organize capris and art history texts? Will I regret, and find myself re-purchasing books and tees? Lets hope not.

I refuse to touch my shoe closet. That's all I'll say about that.

So maybe I'm cleaning house. Maybe I'm experiencing an existential crisis that I'll regret a few months down the line. I just know that I don't mind having the slight income coming into my USAA bank account, paying for small luxuries like local-grown watermelon, cooling in the fridge, slices of pizza and beers with good friends, and maybe (ooh, conundrum!), new books!

I recently ordered (from Amazon!!):

Skinny Legs and All
The Sheltering Skyand
The Caliph's House 

I'm pretty excited. I bought them new. I hope I don't find myself selling them back in a few short weeks.

I am still clenching my teeth. Nerds.

A Lifetime Away

I woke this morning with Perfume Tree's "Tomorrow's Just a Lifetime Away" in my head. Great song, trippy band, much along the likes of Sky Cries Mary.  I am always taken by conceptualizing over the idea that days are epically long, and the future not necessarily inevitable. Seize the day. Live each moment like it's your last. When I find myself inundating my days with nonsense, online, barely going outside, eating too much, making myself ill, I just gotta ask myself - what am I doing with my eternities?

I am trying, and I've got my techniques to improve upon this, sometimes it just feels like I could try harder. After I returned from Morocco I read two books in two days. Pure, egotistical, self-indulgent reads that contribute little to my well being, except flexing my imagination. I've read them before, so it was truely self indulgent: Under the Tuscan Sun and Animal, Vegetable, Miracle: A Year of Food Life (P.S.). No shame in either, though I almost didn't post the names because it makes me feel like a cliche.

So I'm not sure how to recapture my daily infinities, to seize them fiercely and wring the sap out of them each and every day. I'm going back to work today, which I'm dreading but I suppose isn't a bad thing, ultimately. On one hand it allows me to make use of my days in a productive manner - on the other hand, when I get home I'm tired and useless the rest of the day. Only partial success.

This is something that I'll likely just mull over, and then forget about as soon as the opportunity comes to kick off my shoes and recline, and watch the hours melt away.