a gift

This was gifted to me today by a new friend by afar. Clearly he is already a valued one, for knowing to gift me such a treasure.

by Billy Collins -

The Country


I wondered about you
when you told me never to leave
a box of wooden, strike-anywhere matches
lying around the house because the mice

might get into them and start a fire.
But your face was absolutely straight
when you twisted the lid down on the round tin
where the matches, you said, are always stowed.

Who could sleep that night?
Who could whisk away the thought
of one unlikely mouse
padding along a cold water pipe

behind the floral wallpaper
gripping a single wooden match
between the needles of his teeth?
Who could not see him rounding the corner,

the blue tip scratching against a rough-hewn beam,
the sudden flare, and the creature
for one bright, shining moment
suddenly thrust ahead of his time-

now a fire-starter, now a torchbearer
in a forgotten ritual, little brown druid
illuminating some ancient night.
Who could fail to notice,

lit up in the blazing insulation
the tiny looks of wonderment on the faces
of his fellow mice, onetime habitants
of what once was your house in the country?

tornado alert

Two piano keys, repeating their notes

The wind will lift, a shoelace will rise
The wind will gust, a scarf will brush my face
The wind will howl, my skirt will flip
The wind will scream, my bag will be torn from my arms

The wind will strip everything from me and leave me
empty

(two piano keys, repeating their song)

The wind will tear out my hear
will devastate my memory,

leave. it. blank.

Two piano keys repeat their melody

My new existence will be
where I've always lived
where I was before

Everything will be the same
But I will be new
The magical world will be
where I walked for miles and
grew weary of
the day before

No old, tired memories
No redundancies
No boredom

Everything is new
Everything sparkles
The world is strange
The world is abrupt
Everything frightens
Everything dazzles
twopianokeysechotheirtrance
Nothing is old but trauma overwhelms

What should have been new
and exciting
terrifies

What was desperately sought
a change
refreshment
terrifies

(two piano keys repeating their tones)

Beauty becomes horrible
Change is brutal
Difference cannot be accepted
The mind swirls
Thoughts pummel
Nothing can adapt
The adult brain screams where the infant brain absorbs
A new world
A new body (two piano keys)
cannot breathe
cannot
survive
this
storm

Two piano keys repeating their tune.

declaration

Today, I will begin holding myself a little more accountable for my well being. That's just something I needed to say.

I won tickets to see David Sedaris speak yesterday at the Kentucky Center - I went with my extremely upbeat friend Natalie, and I must say that it was exactly what I needed. David Sedaris is adorable, clever, hilarious, and all sorts of other endearing adjectives.

I am beginning to experience exhaustion. The worst part is that Monday mornings are my worst days, since I am transitioning from working all weekend, and trying to segue back into the academic routine. It is just awful! Being on the downward slope of the second half of fall semester I am finding myself growing miserable and apathetic at times. Not cool.

How can I perk myself up?

--Go for walks
--Get back into swimming mode (it has been too long!)
--Stick with eating only what sustains and nurtures - simple, whole, plant-based foods.
--Spend five minutes picking up the apartment - seeing clutter and messes only puts my mood in a downward spiral.
--Listen to that which inspires and drives me - Massive Attack, Tiniwaren, Tricky...
--Don't beat myself up for needing to take a morning to myself.
--Disarm that compulsive voice that says, "Its only money! Whatever! Today is today, and is the only day you should worry about!"

... I'm going to stop before this becomes too macabre.

I'm just so tired. And tired of worrying about things.

In Kinder Words

Good things lately -

-Oatmeal or multigrain hot cereal with a touch of Blue Agave nectar and a scoop of canned pumpkin puree

-Good Earth Sweet and Spicy tea

-Brilliantly colored trees, changing tones by the day by the hour

-The satisfaction of learning Arabic - I really love it

-The crisp rustling of dry leaves as you walk or drive through them

-New old music - Ethiopiques, re-downloaded Led Zeppelin and John Lennon

-New t-shirt lines in Whole Body - cheap, comfortable, and gorgeous colors!

-Making contacts, networking, worldwide in the name of MEIS (Middle East and Islamic Studies)

-Naps on the couch in the late afternoon sun, curled up under my favorite ikat throw with Anna Karenin

-Watching people taking their dogs for walks - you can read so much when they are out like that

Fall Break

Today is only day one of Fall break, but it is here regardless. Naturally I have to work. I genuinely thought yesterday that I would be calling in sick today. I had a doctor's appointment, where they informed me I was running a fever. Which made sense being as how I had been feeling weary and grumpy all day. So I went home, and between bouts of nausea, took some time to rest on my couch. Curled up in a blanket with a pot of tea and "Anna Karenin", which I'm finally starting to read, I wound up taking a much needed nap. This morning I feel fine, inchallah, but cautious.

I have no doubt that the culmination of mid-terms this week, with outside stressors of things  like a greatly reduced bank account due to my car's break down and consequent mechanic's visit following a 3-block tow, bills bills everywhere, fighting with the worst dog sitting clients ever, who decided they don't want to pay me the second 2/3s of my payment which was forthcoming after they returned, because the house looked "a little messy". Tell me - how does a pre-existing pigsty look "a little messy"? All this.

All this. All this is the reason for my fever and my jawline acne. (30 Rock quote for the unsophisticated).  The two tests on Monday which I had in French and Arabic went satisfactorily, but I didn't get quite as high of grades as I'd have hoped.  The US and the Middle East (history) test on Wednesday gave me gray hairs and an ulcer, I'm quite sure of it, however I'm pretty sure I rocked that test. The Politics of Oil take home exam, well, I enjoy any opportunity to dazzle an instructor with essay style writing, throwing outside sources, exceptional citing, and numbers at him with classy array. However I don't know if that is what he wants. We'll see!

Skip ahead a few days - this is now the last day of Fall Break. Tuesday. This fall break I was going to:
1) clean my apartment into submission
2) rest
3) do a ton of French review and homework
4) memorize a pile of Arabic vocab
5) accomplish great things in the name of my MEIS job
6) walk in Cherokee Park under the rapidly changing trees
7) enjoy some, as I see it, well deserved respite.

INSTEAD, because one team member got sick, and another got fired, all last week, I worked my entire fall break (I volunteered - this is true, but it was begrudgingly, and I made that clear). No doubt my pocketbook will thank me, and my boss DOES thank me, but my increasingly messy apartment, and my increasingly duressed  state of mind do not. I was really looking forward to those two days off, after working Saturday and Sunday.

Oh well. This is life.