???

What am I doing?

I've been feeling discontent with my lot these days. Maybe it is post-travels let down, maybe I've been watching too many episodes of "24" back-to-back, but malcontent has been my status of late. My constant thought? "I need my life to have a dose of adrenaline mixed in, at all times."

So I just contacted the USMCR (United States Marine Corps Reserve), requesting an application for a 2 week job opening they have in Quantico this next year. Literally it would only be for 2 weeks, but I wonder... how would it feel, putting on the uniform again?

Actually, I get chills thinking about it. I think I miss it.

I know I miss it. Two weeks wouldn't be bad, it would be a nice little taste. I'd know if I missed it or not.

Don't get all excited all you alls, I've only requested an application. I haven't even filled it out.

Yet.

back?

Today is the first day since my last post that I've been able to 1) update/write a new blog and 2) even SEE my old posts. All my old posts were blank (to me) and I couldn't even type in the content section of the new post pages. WTF? I don't care, as long as I'm back.

So ... I don't know what day it is, but I've been vegan now for at least a week. Fabulous. What's been delicious?

Lara Bars, Peanut Butter Cookie. I actually need to stop eating those. I enjoy them too much (meaning I eat too many of them in one day!)

My JUICER. Beets, carrots, apples, lemon, ginger, greens, cucumbers, all make for refreshing and delightful pick me ups.

Whole Food's Bakery's Organic Sprouted Grain Bread with Raisins. I could eat an entire loaf of this crusty, grainy, chewy, delightful manna in one sitting.

Sugar Baby watermelons. Need I say more?

Good Earth Sweet and Spicy tea. Totally nips sugar cravings in the bud (along with a bowl of chilled watermelon chunks!)

I haven't lost all that much weight, I know I need to take it to the next level and increase my exercising to begin really losing pounds. All in good time.  I'm just enjoying feeling clean and healthy these days.

day 3

Holding strong and feeling great! My body is definitely showing signs of going through "nasty shit" withdrawals. The most promising, and gratifying, was me sleeping well last night, and not sleeping in until 10-11am. No matter what time I go to bed, I always seems to be groggy and miserable no matter how late I sleep, and that keeps me in bed until 11am or so most mornings. Then I am grumpy and pissy because most of my morning is gone, and if I have to be at work or somewhere, that means I probably don't have as much time as I'd like to just sit around and sip coffee while perusing the news on the interwebs.

This morning I woke up at 8:30 and was tired, but knew I'd not fall back asleep. I laid in bed another half and hour, then got up. Beautiful! It's hard to explain why I suspect my diet was making me sleep so miserably, but that's my story and I'm sticking to it.

What's going to keep me sane and going these next 25 days?

Bam. This delightful treat. Their peanut butter and jelly flavor is soul satisfying as well. All their flavors are great, but this... this... this is like eating a peanut butter cookie. Without the gut-gnawing regret afterwards. This is a meal (breakfast), snack, and dessert, all in one. 210 calories, yes. So really, a meal. I love them.

I definitely need to keep posting daily about my progress to keep my spirits high and my motivation burning. So look forward to this!

places to go

Eminently:
Jordan
Israel
Lebanon
Syria (*if I'm ninja enough)

Sooner than later:
India
England
Scotland
Ireland
Germany
France
Italy

Eventually:
Greenland
Iceland
Russia
China (western)
Vietnam
South Africa
Kenya

So much to see. So little time.

New Slang

Re: the title of this post - the song (by the Shins) is in my head.

So I made it all day, 100% vegan. Limited oil, and fat, no sweets, no sugar, no "white" food- white bread, white rice, etc.  For breakfast I had a big bowl of cut up watermelon, and some coffee, followed by some juice from my juicer. Juiced: apple, lemon, ginger, carrot, cabbage. For lunch/dinner at work I had a big salad of mixed greens, raw kale, red cabbage, carrots, and walnuts, with a small drizzle of balsamic vinaigrette and a whole wheat roll.  Oh, I cheated and had an energy drink, but it was organic and all that.

For dinner/snack after work I made another juice and had another bowl of watermelon. The was: kale, collards, apple, carrot, lemon, ginger, and spinach. I like to take a handful of the fiber ejected from the juicer and throw it back in my juice, so that I'm getting some of those added benefits. I also had a Peanut Butter Cookie flavored Lara Bar - a raw, vegan style energy bar that is just wonderful.

My skin feels tingly as all the toxins and yuck get forced out of my body. My stomach is confused, but happily. When I do eat, I EAT and feel nourished, not just satisfied temporarily. I get HUNGRY, because I'm so limited on what I'll eat, and I can feel the results of eating immediately. I'm satisfied, energized, and grateful.

I'm getting a nice little headache that I recognize from fasts. That nice headache that results from toxin removal from the body.

Its easy for us to read about vegetable based diets and think, "Oh I do that, easy." But the truth is that the majority of us, our diets are still dominated by processed foods. By foods with so many ingredients we don't even bother to read the entire list because we don't know what 93% of the list reads. This isn't food! This is chemistry and mad science, packed up with a trendy or fancy looking title, and sold to us at atrocious prices. We need to get back to eating food. Like Michael Pollan says, "Eat food. Not too much. Mostly vegetables."

Where are the vegetables? Where's the water, the grains, the goodness? Our bodies and brains are so saturated with chemicals and preservatives that when we fill ourselves with these disgusting products, we automatically crave more, instead of feeling satisfied. This blows.

Something's gotta give.

I passed a minivan today on the way home from work. At a red light I pulled up alongside it and looked in. The minivan was riding low on its hubs, like the van was full of bricks, or bearing a heavy load. I realized why when I saw the front seat passenger - a woman with upper arms the diameter of my hefty thighs. Resting on her massive expanse of a stomach/bosom were two Chick-Fil-A bags, the contents of which she was mechanically lifting to her greasy jaws. In the back of the van were three individuals, each of similar or potential girth to the woman in the passenger seat, each repeating her actions, shoveling deep fried chicken sandwiches, slathered with mayonnaise and sauces, french fries and sugary sodas down their gullets. On the back of the mini-van? An electric wheelchair, no doubt for the morbidly obese woman in front.

I know, she could have other problems causing the weight. But she could be making all sorts of better choices than what she was.

I took a deep breath and a swig of water from the 1.5liter bottle on my passenger seat, cranked up the radio and drove home.

the Dancer - how much do I love this song? *This much* PJ Harvey, you just know.  Play it alongside with Long Snake Moan from the same album and you've nearly attained musical bliss in my ears.

I'm going to attempt a raw food (fruits and veggies, occasional nuts) diet for the next 7 days. I've been feeling overwhelmed easily, and quickly frustrated. I know that this seems like an odd solution to this issue, but trust me. I'm not telling you everything!

So far, I'm two hours into it.  A bowl of cut watermelon for breakfast along with a big glass of freshly made juice of cabbage, carrot, apple, lemon and ginger. My juicer will be getting a workout this next week. Its about time it earned it's pay. Now I know that juiced cabbage sounds gross, but anything juiced from the cabbage family, and the greens family, is intensely good for you. This is why I include the apples, carrots and lemon. To make it taste prettier.

Oh and I'm not giving up coffee. I won't drink so many energy drinks during the day, but by god I'm not giving up coffee and tea.

In the meantime, I'm working on my Fulbright application for Jordan next year. The staff at U of L who I work with are all quite excited about my prospects for this program. I'm applying for an English Teaching Assistantship which will assign me to a school of Jordan's choice in their country, where I will work with students and staff to teach them English in exchange for my living allowance. I would live in Jordan for 10 months, and would be able to work on my own research on my off hours (the ETAship would only take up about 20 hours a week for me) while also working on improving my Arabic.

Hells yes. So I'm working on that heinous application.

In addition to studying for the GRE, which I don't know when I'll take.

In addition to working for U of L (again), this time as the assistant to the director of the Middle East and Islamic Studies program. Which is gratifying, if not a little baffling and bureaucratic.

Off to work. (at Whole Foods.)

a new addiction

While I was attending the Basic School in Quantico, one of my platoon mates who I thought quite highly of, formed a dangerous obsession with 24, constantly referring to Jack Bauer whenever we found our training dealing with extreme situations.

I started watching 24 last night on Netflix, with their "watch it now!" service on my laptop.

Holy Hell. This is going to be a problem.

I need to get through all ... eight (?) seasons before school starts, because I am hooked. Line and sinker.

On top of that I started watching True Blood, which is amusing, but not nearly as habit forming for me.

Honors Thesis? Fulbright application? GRE study plan? What? I don't know what you're talking about.

Leave the apartment to exert my body, get the blood pumping? I don't know how to do that. Be quiet, Jack Bauer is about to do something bad ass.

a long series of questions?

But why? Why have I been experiencing frequent headaches, when I usually NEVER get them? Why do I keep catching myself clenching my teeth, grinding them along to songs in my head, to books I'm reading, to nothing but the irritation in itself?

If I had anti-anxiety meds, I'd be popping them right now. The best part is that I don't really know why I need them, just that I need them. Hmph. Anxiety begets itself? Don't know.

I put 64 books on sale at Amazon's Marketplace yesterday. That place runs quite the racket - I can't believe how much they charge the seller! It makes sense though - they get a LOT of traffic, and gotta make a buck one way or another, right?  Well I've sold five books already, so there's your answer. A little bit of extra cash in my pocket is better than a bookcase full of old books that I've either NEVER read, TRIED reading but hated, or read and will never read again. Do I want to drag these things around with me for all eternity, dead weight while I continue to relocate and travel? Do I need an old, yet still pristine copy of Don DeLillo's Cosmopolis, when I didn't like it all that much in the first place? Do I want to hold onto that copy of Alexander the Great and the Logistics of the Macedonian Army , which I purchased in a fit of enthusiasm after being assigned the military occupational specialty of 0402, Logistics Officer, but never, ever got past page six of? (poor sentence structure aside, I still had the bookmark on page six to prove it!)

Point proven I hope...

And on that topic, in the past week I've been experiencing a purging wave. I have torn through closets and chests of drawers, filling a huge garbage bag with old clothes. I have inundated Amazon's Marketplace with spoils from my bookcases and closets... But why? All this since I returned from Morocco. Is this my kneejerk reaction to living a slightly more austere life, after living from a suitcase? From living in a country where many make use of more from less? Did I see my jam packed shelves and closets as a sign of gluttony? Was I ashamed of it? Or, and I vote for this theory, did I come home and see these shelves and closets, full to the brim with useless stuff, as dead weight? Did I feel weighted down, mired by my possessions which, by and large, do me no good? (J. Crew chinos, with broken zipper, from five years ago) (brick red Anthropologie trousers, never worn, from 4 years ago) (5 American Apparel long sleeve t-shirts that just. don't. work), etc.

Am I getting carried away? Taking over-excessive delight in seeing shelf space open up, drawers close properly for the first time ever, room to properly store and organize capris and art history texts? Will I regret, and find myself re-purchasing books and tees? Lets hope not.

I refuse to touch my shoe closet. That's all I'll say about that.

So maybe I'm cleaning house. Maybe I'm experiencing an existential crisis that I'll regret a few months down the line. I just know that I don't mind having the slight income coming into my USAA bank account, paying for small luxuries like local-grown watermelon, cooling in the fridge, slices of pizza and beers with good friends, and maybe (ooh, conundrum!), new books!

I recently ordered (from Amazon!!):

Skinny Legs and All
The Sheltering Skyand
The Caliph's House 

I'm pretty excited. I bought them new. I hope I don't find myself selling them back in a few short weeks.

I am still clenching my teeth. Nerds.

A Lifetime Away

I woke this morning with Perfume Tree's "Tomorrow's Just a Lifetime Away" in my head. Great song, trippy band, much along the likes of Sky Cries Mary.  I am always taken by conceptualizing over the idea that days are epically long, and the future not necessarily inevitable. Seize the day. Live each moment like it's your last. When I find myself inundating my days with nonsense, online, barely going outside, eating too much, making myself ill, I just gotta ask myself - what am I doing with my eternities?

I am trying, and I've got my techniques to improve upon this, sometimes it just feels like I could try harder. After I returned from Morocco I read two books in two days. Pure, egotistical, self-indulgent reads that contribute little to my well being, except flexing my imagination. I've read them before, so it was truely self indulgent: Under the Tuscan Sun and Animal, Vegetable, Miracle: A Year of Food Life (P.S.). No shame in either, though I almost didn't post the names because it makes me feel like a cliche.

So I'm not sure how to recapture my daily infinities, to seize them fiercely and wring the sap out of them each and every day. I'm going back to work today, which I'm dreading but I suppose isn't a bad thing, ultimately. On one hand it allows me to make use of my days in a productive manner - on the other hand, when I get home I'm tired and useless the rest of the day. Only partial success.

This is something that I'll likely just mull over, and then forget about as soon as the opportunity comes to kick off my shoes and recline, and watch the hours melt away.

Transition

Laying here on the wide, soft, stunningly white bed in the air-conditioned room in the Holiday Inn Express at JFK Airport I can't help but feel like I'm floating between two worlds. Everything I see, hear, smell I compare to Morocco. The things I enjoy, the white sheets, the air conditioned rooms with the machines running all day, the Indian food delivery, the spacious rooms, all make me feel guilty, and I compare those things to their parallels them in Morocco. The random sheets bought cheapest in the medina with their mismatched patterns and pillow cases, the mattresses rock hard, the rooms sweltering hot, the air conditioning, if you're lucky enough to have it in your room AND manage to find someone at the front desk with a functioning remote to make it go, working piteously slow and probably sounding like a lawnmower. Food? You have to go out and search, no matter how tired you are, to find a restaurant that will 1) not make you ill, and 2) not make a woman feel threatened. Your options will likely be tagine, overpriced couscous, omelets and grillades - meat on a stick. Soda, water, and myriad fruit juices fulfill the carte. Ultimately the selection isn't bad, though it gets tiresome and repetitive.

So I'm relishing all this now, however one big thing makes Morocco outweigh all the above amenities. The price of a riad overnight? Maybe 300-600 dirham = $30-$60. With that you'll probably get breakfast and lunch or dinner. The meal at the redundant restaurant? 50-150 dirham = $5-$15. The pricing is epically affordable and the people are always kind, considerate, and welcoming. It is out of this world rude to not shake someone's hand or just say "salaam malaikum" when you encounter someone who you will interact with. Do you get that in NYC? Louisville? The USA? No, not really.

I'd continue, but I'm exhausted and my grammar and spelling are suffering.

Chefchaouen, Morocco

So it has been a while since my last post. The nature of internet accessibility, and reliance, is quite different here than back home. This is something I enjoy quite a bit - the need/time to only really access the web for five minute bursts. None of those 2-3 hour binges (or often quite longer!) where I have the time to play 30 Lexulous games on Facebook, peruse every single Facebook update by friends since the last time I checked, check CNN, BBC, Interpol and the Marines' main pages, write a long, wordy blog update, check everyone else's blog updates, analyze new additions and new clearance additions on Anthropologie, Lucky Brand and Odd Molly, pay bills, spend money, etc etc etc. Here, life is more concerned with face to face encounters.

In Islam, it is a common perception that "alone time" is not healthy - that one should be surrounded with friends and family as much as possible. I must admit that this weekend, while in Chefchaouen, when I had my own room for the first time since getting here (Morocco!), I actually missed my roommate in Meknes. It was weird being alone in a room. It is definately going to be an adjustment when I return to Louisville, being in my own apartment again!

So I was saying that life here is more about the people around you, than the people on the phone, on Skype, on the computer. If you are in a room full of people, Moroccans namely, and you are on your computer chatting with someone, then that is weird. My impulse, (and the expectations of those around me), is to close the computer and sit with those around me, chatting (trilingually) about life, family, our days, our plans, etc. "Kefa hel? La bas?" "al-Hamdulillah". Always with smiles, eye contact, hand shaking, interactions on the most human level.

It is unheard of to walk by someone you know and just blithely throw out a "hey what's up?" and keep walking. Here you stop, smile, render a "salaam malaikum!", shake hands warmly, inquire about health and families, respond accordingly, then MAYBE keep on your way.

This all makes me feel I need to adjust my way of life when I return. It is just so much more healthy to live this way.

What do I feel like I'll miss/need to take with me?

-The social way of living. Person to person. Community and extended family.

-The generous spirited way of being - offering tea, coffee, time, affection.

-I'll be honest - the pure diet, free of alcohol. I respect Islam infinitely for their abstenance from such. I don't miss it at all here. They sure don't feel that way about caffiene  though, and for that I'm glad (and perpetually wired).

-The trilinguality - but how do I integrate the languages when I don't know that many French and Arabic speakers back in Louisville? I'll just have to figure that one out, aside from the fact that I'll be in Arabic classes. I'll need to work on that one.

That doesn't sound like as much as I thought it would be, but it is a start.

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